Thursday, October 20, 2011

A Creative Writing professor told his class one day:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to his or her desk.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: 

Rebecca (PINK)
Bill (BLUE)

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Bill )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it’s pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

( Bill )

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.


This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Bill )

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. " Oh, shall I
have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F&&&ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo. I guess I've read too many Danielle Steele novels!"



( Bill )




( Bill )

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea


A+ - I really liked this one

Monday, October 17, 2011

Poetry time!

These are entríes to a washíngton post competítíon askíng for a two-line rhyme wíth the most romantíc fírst line, and the least romantíc second line:

  1. My darling, my lover, my beautíful wífe:
    Marryíng you has screwed up my life.
  2. I see your face when I am dreamíng.
    That's why I always wake up screamíng.
  3. Kínd, íntelligent, lovíng and hot;
    Thís descríbes everythíng you are not.
  4. Love may be beautíful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept wíth you 'cause I was píssed.
  5. I thought that I could love no other
    -- that ís, untíl I met your brother.
  6. Roses are red, víolets are blue, sugar ís sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wíltíng, the víolets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty, and so ís your head.
  7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.
  8. I love your smíle, your face, and your eyes.
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
  9. My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped ín to smell thís way?
  10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
  11. What ínspíred thís amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions

Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else…
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water.. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and
a blue house is made from blue bricks and
a pink house is made from pink bricks and
a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven...

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age...
It was YOU driving the bus!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!